He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize