I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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