My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
