honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
