Need sex. Gaining weight.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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