Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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