i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
