soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
