What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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