youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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