She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
