You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
