you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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