Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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