I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
