the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
