Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
