i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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