you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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