I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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