please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
