I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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