Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Please don't give away my fajitas
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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