I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
