I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
