i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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