I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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