Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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