What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
