Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
