if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
