i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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