The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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