Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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