Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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