apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I need a beard to bite.
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