I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
