just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
her facebook's as public as her vagina
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
