Sponge bath it is.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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