New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
