I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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