The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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