This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
