Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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