god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
