i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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