i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
