I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
