The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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