I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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