oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
