just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
