woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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