I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
