Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
