so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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