Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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