you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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