I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
