So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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