I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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