the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
