Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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