Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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