i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
