Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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